Emotional turmoil. Maybe not what you'd expect to be an intrinsic and painful part of raising money to help victims of sex trafficking. But the truth is, putting yourself out there, pushing pushing pushing for months on end to achieve a fundraising goal--that shit will seriously drain you. Knock you down and make you question everything about yourself.
Why am I doing this? Who do I think I am? Why can't I just stay home, do my work, make lunches, scrub the floors, and do laundry...just keep it simple?
Because raising money and awareness is tiring. And my plate is full. And I'm exhausted. And I didn't accomplish what I thought I could, even after all that work.
How could I have done it better? What did I miss?
Once the self-flagellation gets going, hoooo it is HARD to stomp on the brakes, they resist like crazy. So many people helped me, and I wonder if they feel let down, or embarrassed. It's so easy to get caught up in the negative spin. And my gut instinct is to keep it to myself and stay quiet until I have something positive to say. But I'm gonna go ahead and put it out there, in all its miserable, sloppy glory. This shit is hard. The Off the Mat brainchildren are no joke, and they knew exactly what they were doing when they designed the Seva Challenge. It's meant to push us out of our comfort zones and grow us into activist leaders, fearless voices for the voiceless, brave shiners of light. A wise professor during graduate school taught me that the most successful people are those who are comfortable being uncomfortable. I've been striving ever since to truly fit into that category.
I've received beautiful and generous messages of support from many friends, and I'm so grateful for the help to press the brake pedal down!
One sent me this:
Buddhist practice only works when it's on the edge. And that's what the
renunciant lifestyle is about, what living in the wilderness is about,
what meditation is all about—getting to the edge. Because that's where
we are transformed.
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- Ajaan Amaro, "Just Another Thing in the Forest"
Another sent me this:
I feel the same way, and can't bear to see little girls be taken advantage of, especially after the birth of my three angels. I really applaud you in your efforts. It really shows your passion for
doing the right thing, and "being the change you want to see in the
world." I think you are incredible. ~LP
And today, more wind beneath my wings:
"I want you to know
how inspiring you are and how much I admire the work you are doing for
the Seva Challenge. If you are Type A like me, you are probably being
mean to yourself, thinking about how far you have to go and what more
you could have done. Please don't. Please spend more time appreciating
the miracle you helped bring about: Because of your work, $6000 exists
to fight this horror....$6000 repurposed for a completely new
destination. You and your spiritual work caused that. Before your work,
it was just $6000 random dollars, floating around in the capitalist
system, not helping anybody. Because of your work, that random money has
been redeemed for a new purpose. That's a good thing, and I hope you
embrace it. And embrace yourself.....Take care." ~MTS
I am absorbing all this positivity and support and growing, little by little. Thank you.
